What is your opinion of love?
When you think of love, do you think of the stories from your childhood movies and reminisce a fairy-tale version of love and romance? That happily ever after that can only be dreamt of but never accomplished? Because a real Prince charming doesn’t exist.
Well, prince charming doesn’t, and in any world, a happily ever after doesn’t exist either! Yet, we dream. And who can stop a dream in the heart?
Have you ever felt like your image of romance and love leads you to despair and feeling disappointment? Constantly working for things that you want but know that you can’t have?
I was like that… Come Anniversary, I wanted roses, gifts, surprises and sweet romantic phrases… If I dreamt big enough, I imagined poems and candle-lit dinners dedicated to me.
But the only romance I got was a some takeaway, or if I got a little lucky, we would go to a restaurant, with the kids screaming and running havoc, till you just can’t be bothered anymore; and a very tired couple trying to make this day special; secretly disappointed with the lack of fairy-tale love.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we constantly take love to mean a fairy-tale romance? Then get disappointed by it, and feel deflated.
Where there is an unrealistic expectation and we want others to give us something externally, we will always fall flat on disappointment.
Is it true that love is about sweet words of praise, gifts and flowers? Or is love the depth of connection, responsibility and dedication that goes into a relationship? Who determines what and how love should be in your life?
I’m not saying you cannot want to feel loved, of course you do; but what I’m saying is that you don’t need to get your validation from someone else. You are loveable and worthy, because you are loved by Allah through all your qualities and faults, Allah still loves you.
So how do you transform?
I realised the power I have within me to transform myself via the Coaching and knowledge of inner self (nafs), from the Quran and sunnah. I realized; where I expected flowers, chocolates, surprises and romantic candle-lit dinners as the showering of love, they were just my expectations. And no matter what my husband would do, he would never fulfil my high expectations; Unless I found the happiness within.
Whereas my Husband had a very different idea of showing me love and TLC (tender loving care). He wanted to take me out to eat the food he thought I would love, get out of the house for a few hours. But I couldn’t appreciate it because I just wanted a fairy tale ambience, no children fighting, no limits to time, and my version of a romantic evening.
So when I changed my mindset from expectation to appreciation, my experiences changed. When we grow in appreciation, love will grow. Because Allah says;
“If you are grateful, I will surely give you more and more” (Ibrahim 14:7).
“And whoever is grateful, he is only grateful for the benefit of his self” (Luqman 31:12).
When I started to appreciate my husbands gestures of TLC, things changed. I started to communicate better, exchange my views on what I wanted, and how I would prefer things to enhance my experiences and we started working together as a team to make it work. Rather than expecting him to know, I was helping him to make dreams come true!
Love and mercy are two essential ingredients in a healthy and successful marriage. A relationship built on love and mercy is characterized by kindness, forgiveness, and mutual understanding. The reality of love in a marriage requires partners to show each other compassion and to always be there for each other, especially during difficult times.
In Islam, love and mercy are considered important values and are often linked with the concept of compassion and empathy. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught that the most beloved to Allah is the one who is most merciful to others. He also said that Allah will have mercy on those who show mercy to others.
It is important to understand that having mercy on your spouse doesn’t mean being passive or ignoring issues in your relationship. Instead, it means being patient and understanding when your spouse makes mistakes, and offering guidance and support to help them grow and improve.
One of the most important aspects of showing mercy to your spouse is forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of letting go of resentment, anger, and negative feelings towards someone who has wronged us. In a marriage, it is important to forgive each other and move on from any past mistakes in order to maintain a positive and healthy relationship.
Another important aspect of showing mercy to your spouse is being supportive and understanding during difficult times. This could be anything from financial difficulties to health issues, or even personal struggles. It is important to offer your spouse the support they need and to be there for them, especially during challenging times.
So for starters, we started taking a couple of hours a month out just for the two of us, and we were grateful and happy to have that, whereas my fairy-tale mentality would have wanted perfection, I was now happy with my share of whatever I could get and became more present in the moment.
In conclusion, love and mercy are essential components of a happy and successful marriage. They require partners to be kind, understanding, and supportive of each other, and to be willing to forgive and move on from any past mistakes. By prioritizing these values, couples can build strong and lasting relationships that are based on mutual respect, love, and compassion
So who do you want to live your life Like?
The woman that I was, Forever wishing for something that my husband could not give me; Or the woman I see myself as now, grateful and appreciative of the blessings of Allah?
We are the women of Jannah. Reflecting is our default, transformation is our journey.
Connect with me to start your journey too!
