Are you always finding yourself correcting your kids wherever you go?
In the evenings when you are sitting down for dinner; do you find yourself forever having to remind your children what to do, what not to do…How to sit, how to eat, how to talk etc…And it just makes you so angry inside.
All you wanted was some time to converse with them, but they get on your nerves? You know you don’t sound nice, far from it! But you have told them the same thing dozens of times, if not hundreds of times. Your voice takes a really high tone and gets louder. You know, you don’t enjoy it. You hate it even. Your anger takes over all rationality and you accuse them:
“Are you guys happy now?” “You can’t see me happy!?” “If you guys listened then I wouldn’t be so angry and I could have enjoyed my meal in peace” “What’s going to happen to you kids when you grow up.. You will embarrass me”. “You’re an embarrassment…” And it goes on.
lost in fury you become Severely sceptical and unjustly shaming them.
In your mind you are thinking more; “I’m totally responsible for their actions ” “They are a reflection of my parenting” “Others will think of me as a failure as a parent because they are ill mannered.” “Why does everyone hold me responsible for everything the kids do wrong?”
All this plays in your mind. And your voice gets louder and you get more irritable….
Now stop for a moment to reflect. Does this resonate with you? Were you angry at them because of them, for not listening or forgetting what you told them to do? Or were you more angry because of what was playing in your mind?
You got angry at the thought of judgement from others and your worry that your kids will not become the version of whom you wanted them to be; or how you perceived they should be. You got angry that when kids were not acting how they were expected to, it fell on you. You would get comments and even worse get blamed for it. Yet, when they are good everyone else takes credit for it.
As a parent, you need to teach them, educate them, coach them. And even more importantly befriend them. But you know at the time when you were angry, you were not doing it the right way….
❌What was going wrong?❌
Reread and reflect on what you were doing above…⬆️Then come back here⬇️
The problem:
1- You were not connecting to them–
You reacted and made them feel responsible for not fulfilling whatever expectations you had. You had begun with disconnection and disdain from unfulfilled expectations
2- lack of compassion-
You were not being merciful to the children. When Nabi ﷺ was with the children he didn’t speak to them harshly. He addressed them with love and taught them with rahmah/mercy. He Felt with them, played with them, and lovingly taught them… How do you treat your kids?
You send them to the gallows over the things you are prophesising will happen to them if they haven’t done exactly what you expect them to do…
3: Assuming blaming and judging.
Judging them, assuming they didn’t care or didn’t want to listen. Furthermore blaming them for the atmosphere that had been created, You were probably thinking along the lines of:
“They should know better” “They know I don’t like this” “They know how important manners are for me etc”
In all this, you had decided that they were responsible for your feelings and emotions. You were holding them accountable for something they have no power over. They have no power over your thoughts and emotions!
Does this sound familiar sisters?
Now what could you have done different so that the kids will want to listen to you and your want to have the best of manners? When we take a step back and realise Parenting isn’t just a role we have in the lives of our kids, that It’s not about correcting them all the time or it is not about not being the disciplinary head master in the lives of the kids; The authority only to be heard and obeyed….
We see parenting as a role we play instead of realising it is a relationship, a trust and an Ibadah.
So what should you do differently? I know it’s hard to find a balance when the kids are running circles around you, screaming demands and the only thing you can think about is ‘For Allah’s sake! Be quiet!’ ‘Why can’t they be normal? ’Why can’t they just do as they are told?’
✅We need to see the children as individuals with separate realities. That they don’t necessarily mean to disobey you.
✅They are individuals and when we connect with them they to will want to connect with us. Give them time to get used to connecting. If we have lost that connection we have lost the ability to effectively communicate with the kids or other family members.
✅ Next time you get irritated with the kids remember to look internally. Not at what the problem is. But what is the thinking behind why you feel it’s a problem.
✅ Next time, Instead of reacting to your thoughts. Think about how to build that connection so you can rebuild your communication skills.
If you are still doubting yourself, remember it’s never ever too late. When you keep knocking on that door to develop connection, whilst being patient. knowing and trusting that Allah will help you with full Yaqeen. He SWT will open that gateway to connection, to his blessings and Rahmah! So we can all have flourishing relationships again. Insha’Allah
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